hatred for my mother whom i blamed for my upbringing
viewing through her eyes now
our lives could have been worse if she had left
she was afraid for us and so she felt trapped and unloved
she probably withheld affection as a means of power and I'm sure she didn't want to give it to someone who could treat her the way he did when he was drunk
he said he only stopped drinking for his youngest daughter
he a father of 9 children and a husband twice
it can drive a woman to think something is wrong with her, that she is not good enough or enough to keep him from drinking, that she cannot invoke love/affection or passion enough that he would stop, because that is what everyone around her is making her think
all she could do is brunt the violence and the screams so that her children don't have to
we as children saw her as loveless, selfish witch when in reality she was the loving mother willing to take hits so that her children never get the pain or the screams directed at them, they don't grow to doubt their worth or at least that was the intent
those kids grow up competing for the crumbs of affection and grow to loath each other and echo the sins of the father, one to drinks, and the other two in unfulfilling relationships where they can't tell wrong from right
we looked up to our father even when we saw the violence and anger at our mother, we started to see her as the villain because she could not undo the unhealthy coping mechanisms she put in place to protect herself from her drunken husband and her obvious untreated mental illness
we judged her harshly for not changing things in time, we judged her for the things she felt she had to do to feel safe, she built herself a cave and we added to the reasons why she never felt safe to come out again, and yet we think we're better than her and him but the apples never fell very far from the tree, did they
