the villain and the hero

We often forget that every villain has a story, I think we are so willingly seeing ourselves as the heroes of every story we are a part of but the truth is that we are not. Just like there are three sides to every truth, there's different sides to every story we live. In someone's eyes we might be the hero and in other's we might play the villain without our knowledge and that's okay too. The important part of it is to learn from what you've done to others because every trait that made you a villain has the same possibility of changing as a hero has of losing those traits that make them heroic. One is not better than the other because you will be both at times and you may not even realize it. Never play into the villain that someone sees in you, because at the end of the day you know who you are and what you did and why you did so. You know your reasons and you know that those parts of you might have meant well and make sure as you move forward that you never stop learning from your mistakes, but do not dwell on them because there has never been any learning done in regretting. Make sure that reasons that made you villainous don't conjure the same reaction twice because once is failure to notice, twice is purposely done and a third..well then you might be a villain after all...

the angry & the reaction

Right now it's difficult, but remember this is momentary. what you are feeling right now, this is a normal human reaction to events and people that upset you. This is in no way representative of your everyday present life and it is not indicative of what your future holds. Do not let your mind trick you into thinking so because you know very well where that slippery slope ends and we will inevitably go there sometimes but fear not, we are working on that. Everyone has their moments, their tests, their challenges. Shit happens love and all i can say is remember to say fuck it and come at it with an intensity not one with anger but one where you question why this event or person is causing this reaction. Think about how to help you and what you can do but the last thing you should ever do is react on it immediately, you have a brain remember that the best use you can give it, to prevent immediate actions. You have fought too much to live, to succeed, to accomplish, whether it takes every sense of discomfort known to you, Challenge yourself because your satisfaction, your happiness lies at the other side of this. It is exhausting I know and I know all these challenges sound daunting. But take one at a time but if you have to take on more be prepared. I know you wish you wouldn't have to be lonely through all of this but you've been lonely before. But remember there is difference between being lonely and being alone, I'll be damned if I say that I'm ever alone. Because I am not, they might not be here in person but they exist and they are there to remind you that you are cared about and supported. Right now your most important challenge to overcome is encouraging yourself to be that person you want to be. It takes work you knew that, don't let any person make you doubt that you are anything but capable. This might be the most challenging time of your life, the way you go about this will set up the groundwork, the foundation for how you come against challenges, it might be a while before you can get up against a challenge as big as the ones that will come up towards you in the upcoming years. Do not ever react with anger, for compassion has been one of your strengths play into it but remind yourself that you can be compassionate and assertive about your needs and what you want. you choose how to react, if you react with anger it gets you nowhere. If you take the time to think it through, make sure to advocate for your need for space or time before you say something you don't mean or make a decision or take an action. You can manifest the anger into passion for everything that you want to do and need to do. If you cannot make productivity, don't sweat it, but in no way let yourself add fuel to the fire, be nice to yourself, understand that it is hard to unlearn the mechanisms drilled into you.





 *note to myself: My anger comes from a place of need the need to speak my truth and be unforgiving of those whose voice squanders mine. Remember that it is not everyone's intention to do this. Remember to count to any number before you say anything.

the unnecessary revisit

revisiting the  past only benefits you if looking into it will give your present some type of direction
if you  revisit the past and still find it upsets you, it is not where you need to get stuck at because hours and hours will have past and you'll quickly find that it does not contribute or yield anything positive
it serves as a reminder of both your mistakes and the things that others have done to you
and the best to do in those cases is remind yourself that yes they happened but that you have done your part and forgiven yourself and others too
reminding yourself that thinking about it throughout the day is pointless because you cannot allow your mind to continue to go to places that aren't and won't be parts of your future
although it's hard because you know these events are meaningful, they are also upsetting and adding unnecessary pain and grief that there is no longer room for

thoughts

i chose to say no to my thoughts today not because they were essentially damaging or trauma inducing but because i needed to and because i need a reminder that i can. that sometimes my brain's default is to think of everything and it especially favors the past in ways that damage my present and future. this acts as a setback rather than setting up a foundation for me to heal. right now i chose to heal because i need to use the time i have and use it wisely for I don't know what the future brings and i need the strength of my mind to be prepared for events that i know will be particularly destructive if i let them be. i chose to say no to the thoughts of people because i should be thinking of me and what i need in the present moment. i need to learn how my brain operates on default and adapt it by questioning it rather than letting it run freely. i need to remind it that some thoughts have been thought of enough for that day, sometimes its going to need to be a reminder that those thoughts are no longer welcome and that i do not want them to be replaced by another that is not about me. this will not be easy none of it is but it is my responsibility i owe this to my brain, its been subjected to alot.

the hardest part of it

the hardest part of this is leaving knowing damn well that every part of you begged to stay
the best and most rewarding part of it, is learning that not getting what i wanted would put me on the path to knowing that the only place i should want to stay is within my mind to create the change necessary
so that i will no longer have to beg for someone to stay
so that i have the strength to leave one day and not have a doubt in my mind that that was the best thing for me

These days have been hard

for the past few months all i could think of is of is another person

to get my mind of that person i turned to another person'

now i think alot about that person but thats not what i want

i miss the days when my thoughts were in finishing my assignments 

when i didn't wait days until the assignment deadline was approaching

now i think about people, i dont think about me enough

i need to think about me because my path has a long way to go

i think that i need to make peace with my past and my present

I need me right now, I need to be a little selfish again because i fear that if I don't ill drown in yes's and never enough no's

I will find myself unhappy, i need to start working towards bloom season so that someday my seedlings will not have to blossom so late in their journey

I want to be make peace with who i am and i've been distracted

I need to regain my passion for what i am doing

I need to work on my passion for living and relearn what it means for me to be alive right now and what choices i need to make in order to never regret the choice i made in the past