I will be, I am

I have to remember
There will be days where I can do anything but remember
There will be days where my memories will be used against me
They will remind of times with people that are no longer in my life
I will regret every actions I did not do, what I should have done
I will be telling myself that it is not too late, that everything is fixable
But to say so I would be lying
If the person is no longer with me, things are done, it is over
Trying to fix something that is already over is pointless regardless of what happened
I don't know why I want to fix things, I want to fix my actions, my mistakes but I cannot live constantly wanting to go back and fixing things because they cannot always be fixed
I need to learn how to be okay with it, I cannot dwell on my mistakes because they were there so that I could learn and become a better person
I need to acknowledge that it happened, that I wasn't the best version of myself and that's going to happen because not everyone is going to bring out the best in you
You have to be learn how to be okay with that person that makes those mistakes because she is trying so damn hard all the time
Because she is a big part of who you will be, that person is why you are going to be a great person for yourself some day
Her pains make you stronger every day, she will one day be the reason that you learn to empathize and I know it's troublesome right now but in a few months or years you'll be able to empathize again, you just need to heal your wounds as you continue to learn

The Fucking Badass I Set Out To Be

I'm working extremely hard to be the person I needed when I was younger

I do not understand why for the life of me I cannot take a sincere complement

I think the day that I take a complement and genuinely thank someone will be the day that I realize that this everlasting storm has finally changed something that I considered unchangeable

I want to believe someone when they complement, I want to not think about every single way I could be much better, that other people genuinely appreciate me just for doing what I could do

I need to get better at giving complements to, I need to appreciate people more and show them that I value them, I need to be daring and this year and every year until I die shall be like that because I spent years doing the exact opposite.

I forgive myself for that but it is now my driving force to ensure that when it comes back I will win every single fucking battle like the fucking badass that I set out to be.

It's been a while

Everyone complains about not being able to remember their dreams but I don't think I want that luxury given that I woke up to nightmares, my dreams always showed some kind of fear, I  was scared of death. If you knew me in real life every statement I say, is about how I do not fear death, I embrace it as if we are friends and I welcome it whenever it decides is my time. Yet in every nightmare I fight for my life more than I ever did when I was alive and thought that I should have been dead. Now I don't know if that was my body's way of telling me that it was fighting to keep me alive, that I wasn't listening to it, that deep inside me, my instinct is to live. I feel like I should treat my life the way my head treats my life in dreams and it is to fight for it no matter how frightened I am. Because I am frightened to live, I'm frightened of living in the present, I'm frightened that if I think about the present too much I won't be encouraged to my future. Yet so many people live in the present and I have the tendency to forget that. I start foreseeing my future and I forget to include others in it or find a way to include them forgetting that they have a future they have no idea about and yet I'm taking it for granted.

I think there's never not going to be a day that I use writing to make me feel better

It has always been a mechanism through which I do the most expression

It clears my thought, I feel like if I wrote every problem I had down on a paper, I would be able to solve all of my problems

I think it is mainly because I am able to see my problem from another perspective, I am able to respond and figure out what i need to say and why i need to say it

I can write a dialogue between my mind and what's on the paper, it's as if they are separate entities even though one created the other

I think my mind over analyzes somethings and in the process forgets how my decisions can affect other people or how my own decisions could be affecting my own wellbeing

I now have to actively remind myself that I have a time limit on what Im overthinking about, I remind myself later on if I had thought about that earlier or if I had already given the thought enough time

Not everything that I think about is necessary for me to think about at that moment, I think ahead a lot, I think my mind is structured that way so I don't have surprises or put myself in anxiety producing situations later but it's not helpful when I just want to lay down and think about the next day and make a mental to do list even if I dont do everything i meant to do

I am proud that I am able to say that I'm okay with death
Not many can say that and selfish as it may be, it is my life
I do not think about my death as often as I used to
It used to be everyday so it was only a matter of years until I got used to the idea of me dying
For me to die in an accident or by chance then it is destiny, it was just the day that it was meant to happen
That is my time, I can't be tied to the idea that I don't want to die that I have so much unfinished business
I think about how any day could be my last and that there will be moments where I would have not gotten things on a good note with everyone and that's okay
I need to worry that I give everyone at least one happy moment in their life and I'm satisfied with that
I'm tied to the idea that I want to live day by day and still have dreams but being okay with them if they don't happen because dreams aren't always meant to be
I want to live in the present as well as the future because I spent more than half my life thinking about the past and losing most of the best years of my life to it
There's moments where I wish my teenage years would have been different that I could remember only fun times but I think just as I was born to die, I was also born to live, born to be me, born to be my own person, born to be an experience of my own, I have a choice on what to do my life and it is to dare to do what scares me the most until i'm scared of nothing, whether that means jumping off cliffs with a bungee, whether it means falling in love, I will do it because I owe myself those experiences, I owe myself every chance that I have to offer

It is interesting
To live a life and yet possessing something capable of functioning and having to remind yourself that you are living
I think about whether others have to do it too
I have to remind myself to breathe, I feel like it's not enough sometimes
I can breathe so deeply and yet feel like I haven't even taken a breath at all
I find happiness in knowing that I no longer feel that heaviness in my chest
At one point I would have been afraid of when it came back
But now all I can think of is fighting all that I could because I am capable of feeling happy
And regardless of how the day ends, I had good moments and I don't think I would have been able to say that four years ago; to be realistic, I couldn't even say that a year ago
I will fight until there's no fight left in me, and then some
I am alive, I am enough and I am the only person that I should matter to,
I am the only one who needs to find significance in knowing that I'm worth a lot because I haven't fought death so I could let another tell me what I am worth because I know me and that's a thing they cannot say

Years and Years can pass and I note the major changes but I can also see that there are several aspects that yet need to grow, I don't want my branch to intertwine with another because I fear that it would stunt my growth, I would rest all my weight onto the other tree and stop growing, I fear that I am tree that cannot grow with other growing trees. I feel like I like when a smaller tree rests its weight and uses my resources to grow, that would make the perfect tree. However I am not ready to be that tree unless I do all the growing that I need to do. I'm afraid that all I want is a sapling, a plant of my own not another tree. Perhaps another tree that grows opposite me and complements every branch that I grow. I fear that when I grow all that I need to grow that no one's growth will mirror my own and I'll wither without blossoming, the seasons will pass me and I will never have felt rooted in a single area because of this fear. And then I remember that I'm a tree that needs water and good soil and that reminds me that an existence in this world is providing these resources for me to grow and something out there wants me to live and for that I will grow until I cannot grow no more.