to be a worrier or a warrior

to be one or the other

why not both

is it possible

i believe so

i believe that there's a point where there's a balance between the two

you could be both not at the same exact time but I think it is possible to switch.

it's that response within you, i don't know why someone's fight or flight response is one or the other sometimes

i think it's amazing that that is yet another difference between us individuals

i like to believe everyone has a little bit of both, everyone has a bit of worrier and warrior inside of them 

in some people cultivation is necessary for their warrior to show 

doesn't mean it's not there, it just has been trapped somewhere and needs a hand 

I wonder whether everything I do is going to be worth in the end
I wonder whether I should even tell anyone parts of me because despite people knowing them, those things will be used to tear you down
I think that's why I doubt when someone says I love you, it seems so easy to say something that is supposed to be so meaningful. I think the three most special words have become so lack of sentiment that it's the same as hearing I'm sorry.
I don't need those words if you aren't prepared to explain to me why. Even then the reasons of why someone loves me is usually something that seems selfish, someone thinks I'm perfect or amazing. I don't think these people understand that love means loving people even when they don't think they are loveable, when they spill their truth to you because of how much trust you have worked to build because you know this person has had a rough past and you want to know and you will put in the work every day to see the day that you hear why a wall was built so strongly. I don't know if it is unhealthy to expect that from a person but I'm tired of hearing I love you if the second the time comes to fight for love that same person gives up because at that point I give up. People close the door on me and I have the strength to walk away because I cannot fight other people's battles,I will be there right with them but I am tired of opening the door if they won't be with me in my battles. But make no mistake, I will fight every battle alone or with the people in my life who have stayed and I will win every battle. The day someone shows me that they can fight with me and those people will be the day I might actually feel like saying those words might have meaning again. But I don't know if that day will come but for now I know that I can fight my battles everyday for as long as I have to because this is the life that I was given and I'll be damned if I let anyone even come close to a minor scratch or injury on this warrior inside of me.

It is strange
A few days ago I thought I'd be celebrating getting closer to someone than I have ever allowed myself to be
I feel as though part of me knew that I did not love that person
I loved the things he did, I loved that he painted a future with me, I loved aspects of him but I could not accept his treatment of me and I am thankful for me
I am thankful that I am the reason that I'm in a better place now, I am thankful that I had the strength to end it, I am strengthful for fighting every memory or every part of me that thinks that it wasn't a goodbye
I had to say goodbye in my own way, that's not love, love would ensure we both got closure that we understood our reasons
I know that one day I will remember that I should love myself first before another person demands my love because I often forget that I am just as important and how I love myself is the way I teach another to love me
I can firmly say that I love who I am, I love that I feel like it is okay to cry, I love that I have some of the best support systems that anyone can ever ask for
 One day in the future I know that I will have reached a destination where I'll be able to help others better than I have in the past without damaging myself in the process but right now is the start of it and I know I look forward to it, I just need to remind myself of that everyday

I don't know why it upsets me when someone said something that I have been thinking for years know
I don't know why I already assume that it is truth
I can only assume that someone with twenty years of experience can tell when they see it
I don't know why I couldn't stop crying, why this person knew it'd be painful
I don't know if I want to know for sure
If I do I feel like I'll blame it for alot
But I am allowed to do so
It would explain so much and I am desperate to have an explanation of why I can't relate to so many people
I can't explain alot and I want to begin to be able to, otherwise this journey that I am on will never be complete
I think this has opened up the box of how people's treatment of me has actually been more traumatic and it wasn't even over a choice that I made, which I'm afraid will revive a hatred in me that I worked so hard to overcome
I used to be so angry at the world, constantly asking why me
I still ask that sometimes but I am making an effort, I am working so hard and right now it isn't feeling like it's enough
But I am, I am doing so much, I am doing things I never imagined. I am happy in doing so too, and I don't know what knowing this will do to me when things happen.