There is times that I remember how much anger i carry, i forgot to get rid of it and i carry it with me, like if i ever let it go it would be something that could never exist within me
But I do
There are many days where I still ask whether I can live all the years I want to live with all the regrets and guilt I carry for things that I have grown through
I question everyday whether I have learned any of it as I try to go back to sleep
It's worthless as my body has a way of keeping itself awake when I know I am exhausted
I go back into my mind to the people who I have let into my life and are no longer in it
I blame myself for being everything I needed to let out in the company of another
I did not know how many years it would take for me to cry and sometimes I think if there's one thing I do is I cry
I hate the parts of me that wanted to have everything in a person and not feel split up unknowing who is it that I would walk to in my last moment
I hate the parts of me that I loved and let go of so I would no longer be vulnerable again, I hate that there are many parts of me that care so much that I do not know what to do with them
I don't know if there is a balance between how much love I should be giving out as I feel that even the love I gave is not enough
I get scared that it will never be enough for anyone, not even my family
I think I blame myself so much for things because I think of them so much that It's impossible for me to think that that person can and probably has as much responsibility as I did
I made my choice and so did they, which is why I am here and they are there
I thought alot about what I've done and I hate that most of the time I don't know that I'm doing it if I'm the one saying that I did it
I have to learn to let go of the past and I think that that's due to me taking so long to notice how the things that I experienced impacted me
I'm constantly scared of staying in someone's life long enough into the future that I would have missed all the signs because I'm blinded by my love and admiration for them that by the time I realize they would have already brought more than I could ever forgive
I guess you can say I avoid attachment were I once craved it, I don't know how to form an attachment to another human being because it's caused years of harm that once almost took my life

Oh the stories I will tell...

I can't remember the first time I questioned why god chose to give me all this pain
People say it's god's way to prepare you for something greater, and that god knows what he is doing
But see I may have once believed in a god but now I can only say this world doesn't owe a single person a thing and if I have to believe in anything it would be that the person I owe all my belief in is me, in my capabilities, in my strength
This pain that I have someone is feeling it, for different reasons and in different magnitudes and they are probably much younger than me
The sadness that I feel for them comes from understanding that I didn't get the chance to know what it felt like to be happy before I didn't know if happiness even existed or would ever exist
I don't think it's a matter of destiny or god or even biology to create the perfect climate for this type of emotional disturbance
I think it's a matter of a combination of things but also a matter of choices because even our biology is not set in stone and that is enough to say that there is a realm of possibilities and alot of those choices can both be for the people around us but most importantly in our own
People said it would get better  and it's very anticlimatic to say that it did but the remnants of what I went through will affect me for years
Nonetheless to say I do not regret living, I do not regret the ways I have learned the hardest lessons, but everyday I feel more prepared for my life ahead
Because one day these lessons will be just stories I tell

How do I go back to me

You keep creating these imaginary scenarios as if it was real life
You convince yourself that these are true possibilities but you do nothing
You do nothing because you've already done everything and you're not in the position you started with
This is not what will bring you happiness or satisfaction, you need to find your motivation and your passion for this again, there isn't an aha moment that someone will create for you
I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore, my brightness is now dull and I can't find the energy to do anything about it
It's like I've given up but I haven't I just have this familiar feeling of numbness and I don't know if that's my body's response to pain
But I need to stop it, I didn't mean to turn my emotions off, I guess I didn't have to ask my body to do so this time, it did so out of habit, it thought it was best to protect me
I just sit here all alone and I feel comfort in my company but sadness at where my head goes when I let it free, it is no longer the tears and the pain of every life's loss but at the person I only ever loved but will never love again
And he is no longer someone that provokes guilt or regret, just someone that was
Just as I once was, so excited for life, so excited for future and now trying to recapture the essence it was to feel like a risk would not hurt a single thing on me
I was much younger then and I did not know how to cope, and I think the biggest regret of them all was doing the thing I new best, I listened
And those who knew me best, taught me that this was the way and there was no other, as life had led them to the same choice and they thought this was best
But now I see that this was a choice I didn't have to make and I didn't realize it til many years late
I am tired in a way that doesn't involve sadness but in a way that thinks that the only way to find my way to start anew again far from both families that I have ever had but I fear that wherever I go another family will form
I seek to be alone and unsupported as life will teach me its lessons because that's how I best have learned them, people's opinions cloud my own and I can't keep running away but instead standing my ground and speaking my truth and changing the way I want myself to be but not for someone else
Who I am and what I do, what my plan will be I need to keep to myself as the more I speak the less true it will be
And I thought that my life couldn't get as complicated as it was years ago, and boy was I wrong

My apologies

How can I be so good at apologies and so bad at the same time
I overthink alot and I apologize for so much that I shouldn't be apologizing for
How did I get to this point
I thought people deserved apologies, people deserved a reason
Whether they cared for it or not, I didn't want to ask why or have a reason to come back in my life
Those who get my letters aren't meant to come back and they never do
I think I was waiting on a person to argue back and tell me everything that bothers them about me but all people do is become silent
Then I am left with why's and needing a reason now I cannot continue to do this or wish for such person
I can't keep apologizing for everything that I do wrong for someone who was never willing to do the same, if this means being alone then I want to be alone
They say better to be alone than in bad company and I will no longer surround myself in bad company
Whether this means letters or not, I think it's time that that is no longer my thing
The only apologies I owe are to myself for doing to this to myself everytime someone hurt my person, I will no longer apologize to people that don't deserve it