about relationships

I think that I fight thinking about myself as someone's partner because of course my personal identity is important, who i am and what it is that fills me for joy

I think that for some time I wanted a person who took care of me, someone who I could tell everything to so I would just dump everything and judge someone based on what they did next

I don't think that's a healthy approach because not everyone deserves to know those stories that make me me, it is okay to do without them, my past is a story that no one really needs to know

I have to apply the same approach I do to the people in my profession, they do not need to know what happened 5 years ago and what happens within my family, that is completely a choice and one that I need to be aware of

It is best to keep more things to myself and take joy in them because as long as I am sure of who am I then no one else needs to be convinced of my ability unless they are necessary for where I need to go

I also tend to get really bothered by small things in relationships, such as if I lost something, when I'm actually really scared or worried and it manifests in anger because someone can't help which I think I am working on because even though someone is with you they are not responsible for the things you lose 

 in a way I am always making plans inside my head that someone else doesn't even know and then get angry at them because my plans didn't come out as I have planned them, this is also something that I need to stop and maybe be aware of the time I spend with people who might have a schedule of their own

I think that I've always wanted someone that I can take pictures with a put up online but I don't think it is what I truly want, I feel like I want the reward of it but I don't think it is healthy to have your significant other on social media and be in constant check of this person, this involves alot of trust 

I also just need to put the work in to make relationships work as I do for friendships

This was our unexpected goodbye

Would it be crazy if I started over once again
Life isn't limited by one and dones because then it'd get a tad bit repetitive and it is a privilege to be able to say that
Life will be many starting overs, the way sometimes friends and families need. There are times that things need to reset but only when it feels it is the time to do and only then.
I am letting go of a person that was significant to me, who unbeknownst to them helped me through a hard time. And I am grateful to them unfortunately I cannot stick around, I cannot give another such importance that I am not giving to myself. I cannot give someone effort who does not reciprocate effort even when asked. I care for them very much but I have to excuse myself from someone else's story and it will be my last appearance for the time being. They have the power to write me in their story but right now I am not a character of significance and I am that person for a few stories and that is okay, I don't have to be everyone's side character. This is a reflection of their story and what their needs are at the moment and right now I am not fulfilling any needs for them. It is neither of our faults that's just where we are at in our separate stories. Our goodbye have been sooner in the story than I anticipated but the longer I continued to try to keep their character into my story the more I would be preventing my character from continuing to grow. It is a step in the right direction, it might not feel that way but I know that I have faith that I make the correct choices for me and if it's not time will tell.

Building someone else's character in my dreams

I do not like to admit how much I daydream about what it would be like to have the person that I wanted
I spend time building scenarios that are not realistic to idolize a person who is simply human and who has not made any promises
I create futures with them and what it would be like if it happened
But I got ahead of myself again and I realize that this is not doing me good, inI forgetting who's important and what I want is getting clouded as a result
My next story isn't about who I am talking to and what they are saying because they won't be in my story in a few months
And I can say that with certainty.
Maybe it's my new coping mechanism, because it seems to me as if I have a larger problem with staying at the present. Although it's better than staying in my past, what I'm creating in my head isn't going to happen exactly as is and will most likely be the opposite. There are many unknowns and uncontrollable things about my creations but more when there is a real person in them. If I could remind myself that what I daydream isn't realistic, that the people in them will never do those things in real life I can get back to me. And me needs it right now, I need my head space on me and not creating the same story every night that won't change a thing. I need to build stories that empower me, that showcase my strength and my conviction.

I will do good by her

Where I'm at right now

With every step that I take back, I will take two forward

The next years are about finding what I'm good at, where is my place in the world

And I'm beyond questioning who's going to be apart of it because I've known it long enough but I waited too long for people that have a different timeline and that's okay, maybe one day our timelines might meet again but I'm not waiting any longer

This is my story now, I can't wait to have an additional supporting character I have more than enough with the ones I have and I should never doubt that for a second

I've written in a place for a character and how I want them to be without thinking that it's not my job to write them in and write them in my vision, the only role I play is tying our stories together and how our character traits mean. They are the writers of their story and I cannot judge a book by its cover nor could i rewrite the story or make any additional character traits that they haven't felt are necessary to their story. I am not their writer they are. And depending on what they write they might decide not to have any additions and sometimes those are okay to because not all character traits are fully revealed in the beginning. Nevertheless I can't focus on this position I have written because that character had their own free will and a story behind them and I can't hold it against them if they aren't the character I want them to be but I do know what my character works best with.

But I cannot waste time elaborating on that part of my story because my character's story has just started and she's the only character I truly have control over and that I can change. I cannot forget her because she is the reason for my writing, I want to see her character grow and flourish but I know that she's in her building stages and that she feels she's at a crossroads but she knows that as the writer of her story I will do good by her.

Changes come in waves

There are moments like these that I feel stuck that if i set motion in the same direction the results will be wrong
I think it is derived from a lack of faith in my vision
I can be a person who does things in spite of , I know I am still that person but lately I have let the emotional part of me make decisions while leaving my rational mind in the back burner
I know that the path that seems easiest isn't always the best
But I grow tired at moments and did not let my self properly rest, I have put on my shoulders the weight of others as sometimes I feel that any added weight my damage their backs, you don't know each person's strength nor do you know the exact weight they are carrying, sometimes I hardly realize my own. I feel that I could take away some of their weight before their back feels the weight but I forget that although I know what will damage my back that I forget that everyday things are piling up heavier weights. That I need to start focusing on piling up my weights and picking at each and one of them and realize that the pain that each has brought me has made my back just a tiny bub stronger and can carry that weight if it comes to it. Now that doesn't mean that I should carry more weight to build my strength but the weight that I'm taking away from either in the name of helping them might also take away their chance to build their back. It might feel right but I need to take into account that until I take care of my own weight, I can't pile up the weight of others for the sake of me and for the sake of them.