Desde el mismisimo infierno pero voy

La historia se estaba contando sola

Siempre esperaba ese final donde me doleria hasta el alma, donde me quebraba en mil partes y no me podria levantar

Era como si me estaba preparando para la derrota porque sabia que iba a pasar algo y que yo ya no iba a tener las fuerzas para levantarme otra vez

Hasta cuando sonaba despierta miraba como moria de dolor porque se me moria mi padre o tal vez me moria yo y veia las caras de todos los que me querian en vida y les habia dado un tremendo golpe con mi ausencia

Haci algo las cosas, haci me pasaba los momentos donde estaba sola y con nada que me diera algun interes porque ya me habia dando por vencida y no me lo habia admitido 

Nunca cuestione la razón por lo que yo lo hacia, sólo pensé pues viene con el territorio 

Pero ya no me interesa quedarme hací, no quiero que eso me parezca normal o que en alguna forma me lo merezco, porque so muy joven para que vea yo el mundo al mi alrededor de esa manera 

Ya es hora de decir ya basta, quiero algo mejor, quiero algo diferente, me merezco algo mejor, me merezco algo diferente, me lo debo por mi pasado, por mi presente, y por mi futuro 

No hay mejor hora que comenzar ahora, desde el asiento de mi sillón, o desde el mismísimo infierno pero voy

Le voy a dar mi todo, voy a dar lo mejor de mi porque hací se a deber de vivir hoy

Until that moment in time comes to its natural ending

I don't know what the rules are of being in a relationship with someone

I think that in history people just jumped into marriage fairly quickly

I mean some turn out great and others turned out terrible

I think in my family, my parents didn't seem to love each other

I have no idea of how my parents met

Was it love at first sight, was it just a paring out of sheer contact

I think this story is significant to me because I feel like it is the first relationship you are exposed to and that you literally live through and it is your first model of what a relationship should be

It is significant because I still do not know if they were ever happy, especially not in the early years

I remember all the fights, the dolls being thrown around, the unhappiness in the air, I don't think I think about it often enough to realize that this is perhaps the reason for how I interact with others

I think that I want to ignore its role in how I carry myself when I am with someone but i think their relationship definitely affected how I am

I think that I am someone who feels starved for affection because I crave it so much but I am also very careful about showing that to someone

But once I do, I get easily attached to the point that I don't want that affection to stop and I get defensive and argumentative about the time that i get for it

I think that I also don't talk to the person I'm with because I was never listened to in our household, my opinion was invalidated constantly yet all the blame still always fell on me 

I think that makes me want to overcompensate because I want to be listened to, sometimes to the point that I forgot whether I am listening too, that doesn't mean that I am wrong for doing so because I want my partner to listen to me and value what I say, I want someone who wants to hear me talk all the time and wants to listen to the whole story and trying to not interrupt because of how bad they want to know

I think that it's also very easy for me to close down and say nothing because it's also how my others would respond, I do it more because I don't know how to voice my anger without fighting because I know how easy it is for people to become violent or unfriendly, I become silent because I feel like my words aren't being listened to, that I assume this other person is capable of figuring out what provoked the response and it's something I have to work on 

Now I don't silence myself but I still avoid feeling pain, and so I silence the other person because they aren't doing enough and I think that's also related to the shutting out (silent treatment) passive aggressive argument back and forth my parents had in their relationship

I think that I also don't know how to respond to someone when the say I love you because I never heard it said between my mom and my dad or even toward us, I think that I viewed it as the single most meaningful words on Earth that I would only ever say to the person who showed me that they loved me, the person who I would open up to, the person who did things that I didn't think anyone else would do

I think that I quickly realized not everyone gave the words as much meaning as I did so I mistrusted people who could say it so quickly, I think now I think that each person has a different way of loving and expressing love and that I cannot say those words until I feel like this person has gotten to know me completely or as much as my bestfriends have, this person has to see me at my most stressed and at my worst before I can finally mean the words I love you

I think it's hard for me to be in a relationship and be passive because I lived in a household that problems often went unsolved and most of the problems were left on one person and I definitely want someone who sees me as their equal, someone who is as willing to be involved in our children's lives (if we chose that for ourselves), someone who encourages my passion and my dreams, but I also want someone that I can talk to as my partner, I want someone who comes home excited to tell me about their day, I want to be someone who they can come to to tell me what they want from life and how they want to do that, I want to be someone who can care for another and not be afraid that the other person will give up, I don't want to carry the weight that someone will give up on me anymore because I am worth way more than someone making that promise, I want someone who doesn't need to make a promise and makes sure to stick around and I want someone that I feel is worth each others time for the moment in time that we decide or feel in our hearts until that moment decides to end

My inner voice

Right now is a time that I never thought would come
I honestly didn't see myself alive right now
I thought that I couldn't handle every thought that crossed my mind
It was like living a nightmare but at least with a nightmare I'd wake up and realize that it was not real
With my thoughts it was knowing that every single thought was fueled with every memory of everything that broke me, it was more vivid than any nightmare
I felt that I had no control over it, I thought that I should be able to control it
I don't think that is true now, there is so many thoughts that cross my mind, it is really about what you say after each thought
What I mean by say, is not literally saying something outloud but more like using your inner voice
This year I learned how to use it to help me, my inner voice is my response to every thought such as the bad memories or the regrets, I always make sure to acknowledge that I am thinking about them and that it is okay and normal for me to have them
Sometimes the things get out of hand and my inner voice says that I need to think about it or that I have other priorities, I use it to remind myself that I am living right now and that I have a schedule
But it took alot for me to get to this point because a few years ago that same inner voice would instigate my thoughts further
Ir took a few experiences and a few posts about self care until I realized that I need to care for myself more not only by doing face masks but by being good to myself and that meant being good to my body and just learning how to respond to myself although most of those things I saw online I realize that the first person that I should hear them from is from me because I knew that if I waited for someone else to tell me them, well it'd be unrealistic and it's not an expectation that I should have if I can't even do it for myself, I think this process is about that
Its learning that what I want from other people to give me, I need to learn to give to myself so that I can finally give it to someone else

My guilty judgement

I am not down to earth

I am rigid, I have a stick up my ass

I need to control me, in case me slips up, because I cannot take criticism

I deal criticism out, I am opinionated, I am analytical but at my worst I am judgemental

I sit up on my high horse defending my opinions as nothing but thoughts or worry for those acting 

Is it boredom, is it evasion of looking inward, is it cowardice, is it self hatred, is it bullying, can it be a little bit of all

How do we stop?

How are we going to stop?

How do we starts from this point and move forward?

There's so much guilt because are you even a safe space for those you love anymore, do you believe they are or have you ever really let yourself trust them as you claim you always have, do you mask your extreme comfortableness about uncomfortable subjects or taboo subjects for the things like feelings and thoughts, your own insecurities, are we really being honest, am i being honest