Things that I have said in the past & things that are still relevant to me today

1.  It is better to be alone than to be in bad company (exp: Not everyone is good for you mental wellbeing, and although you might feel alone at moments it is something that we need to grow comfortable with because as we age people's schedules won't always work with yours and weeks or months can pass before you can have any real contact with these people, this doesn't mean you should settle to have just anyone in your life, always and I mean always keep with people that you feel comfortable with and support you, do not hang out with people who spread negativity, don't give them your time of day because it is valuable, be alone and find ways that you can find comfort in yourself because you will always be there for yourself and I can't stress that enough, sometimes you need to check in with yourself because maybe the people around you don't and you have to learn how to be okay with that) The people you hang out with tell alot more about you than you think, so make sure that you surround yourself with people that you trust and support you when you need it the most. By definition these people influence your decisions the most because you usually consult them the most about what to do. 
2. There is no bad that good will not come from (exp: Always, always remembering that when things get to the worst points, that something good will come out with it, this is a mindset that helps because the more you believe there is no end in sight, you lose purpose and motivation, so its good to remember this everyday that some days are tests and others will be blessings, that life is not just constant there's, don't forget that you have good days and write about those and remind yourself of those because this is a practice of self-care, because those keep you sane, keep you positive, and remind you that good things do happen when your mind might want to confuse you into thinking that they don't)

I don't exactly know where it came from today
It just appeared out of no where and I guess that's why I need to write j
I think that it helps me figure out what's going on
What need do I have to address
I believe today's need is sleep and a little bit of leftover emotion from yesterday's surprise it's like the secondhand significance or experience of death
I think that I should not feel guilty or upset when I have missed an important event in someone's life because I too am human and I have issues in my daily life that I need to focus on sometimes, I am allowed this time for myself as I have a history of not doing so in the past, this is part of looking out for me and it is okay for me to not be analyzing everyone's behavior to ask what is wrong, it is not always my place to notice these things and ask questions, sometimes I need to take a step back and let people use their words and come to me when they need me, I can't keep trying to anticipates someone's needs because I have so much things to work on so it is okay, I am a normal person trying to make sense of things and of who I am, I don't need to apologize for this, this is not a thing that one should feel guilty for, this is an example of a boundary that I have set
I think that I have been privileged for the past year to not have any big loss because it has given me time to reflect and really realize how these losses have affected me in life
I think I am much stronger now than I have been many years ago and well it's a thing I won't ever be entirely sure how to handle because there's times where people who have things planned out and then the inevitable happens
I think it affects me more that it happens at random, there's no way for me to prepare and I think I need to find a process or some kind of strategy that helps me cope with loss
I've lost some of the most special people in my life and I miss them dearly and they have had impacts in who I am
They have had influences on me, they have shown acceptance of who I am and I think that that is the most valuable thing that anyone has done for me
These people saw me as human and as family and that was enough for them, I did not have to have goals, I did not need to tell them anything but I existed and that was more than enough
I wish that in my future I can be that person for the next generation, at least one person and I think I have done that and that's something that is meaningful to me
I want to keep doing better and building on myself to be a better person everyday and being able to acknowledge someone past all these labels, past all these events in their life, sometimes people are just people and they deserve the same treatment as anyone else and you have to fight either what you already know or have control over whether you really want to know
because one thing is your need to know somethings to figure out what to do, and how to help and another area is being able to separate the two and still show that you value this person right in front of you
sometimes you don't need to know everything and sometimes it is better that way because sometimes your mind wants to make connections and whether you want to or not you brain might be making a negative or positive connection unbeknownst to you and that might reflect on your interactions, on your choice of words and many things that are vital to communicating with this person
I am very guilty about making assumptions about people depending on what they say and how they word things as this is not unique to me while other people depend on body language and other ways and I think it's important to know where your opinions are coming from and how you got to a point with someone because at the root of that you can go back and say I'm sorry let's start over and ask more questions for reassurance to know where this person is coming from, this is an area that needs alot of work and development but helps a lot in work with people because everyone's experiences are unique to them so they more than likely will see the world through another perspective and that is amazing, they are not wrong for experiencing the world differently but some of these are intersecting lines while others seem to never have crossed over and those will test you and that's also the fun part because it will open your eyes to see that the possibilities are endless so that could have been your experience or even thinking hey maybe had my life gone in that direction I probably would be there too
Not ever saying that no that would never be you because you don't know, there is no such thing as never or no such thing as always in things like this
People who have a parallel worldview to you are still capable to make connections with your worldview, I think we forget that alot and don't pay enough attention to what this is coming from and instead we are contributing to a more hostile environment

I think I'm starting to develop an explanation for what I have been thinking
I don't think those thoughts have a meaning that I want to do those things because I would never harm anyone
My brain is just in the process of rewiring itself from my teenage brain to my adult brain or my high school brain to my college brain
I've just undergone one of my biggest and most drastic changes in the past three years and my brain is trying to find where connections that I didn't have before go
Most of my connections to family were nonexistent yet now they are much more present and represent something positive I think my brain wants to rewire at something different because it sees those ties as equivalents to other relationships when it is no
My relationships with my family is always going to be different I will never bring harm to them, I want to protect them and take care of them and make sure that I do not harm them, i think my brain is scared of harming them so it's making up a story of me harming them in ways that I've been exposed to
Now I don't know if the exposure was actually ever real but I think it might be just my exposure to it through media and somewhat a fascination with it
I think that from now on I need to work on what I think about when I am exposed to it, I need to attach a meaning to certain things and make sure to tell myself when something is wrong that it is wrong and sympathize or empathize more rather than trivialize it
I am not what every thought that comes in brain says i am
for it has fooled me once before into thinking that I am not a good person and for blaming me for failed relationships that I have now recognized was the job of two people, I am learning about the person I am as I go, with every experience, the fear or worry that i have is natural because my body doesn't understand stability, it doesn't understand the feeling of being well supported or acknowledging that i have not done so great in other areas that i thought i was doing great at and that's the part of growing up, there will always be in area to work with, always some part of you that you need to build up or change up and that's okay, just like cars need fixes or tweaks every few years when parts run their course , sometimes you need specialized people to figure out what's wrong but in the case of cars someone would fix it for you but these things in life you have to fix it for yourself no one could do a better job of it than yourself, it is your position, your specialized and highly trained in that position and although others may receive that training only you have the knowledge to fix each part of yourself, because you know the little secrets, the little details that others might never truly comprehend or grasp and although it might seem like some may it is still not their position to do any work unless you've done the biggest jobs and they are only their to support you in your job not to do it for you

What do I love about myself?

When you ask me what I love about myself
I don't think I could ever point out anything physical about me
I think that's problematic not because of the wave of body positivity but because I think that if I loved my body, my face, the physical I would do more things to take care of it and I think that this would very much become something I loved about myself when I started making more efforts to take care of it. I think that that is one of my biggest goals, my goal isn't to look good, it is to feel physically healthy to have physical strength,to give my body the exercise it needs as well as the food it needs to function for me. I love that since I was young I was able to notice that writing was one of my biggest strengths. I love that my personality didn't fit with everyone. I love my weirdness, my awkwardness. I love how it helps me learn what people work with me and which don't pair well. It helps me be more picky about the people who stay in my life and which shouldn't. I love that I have the power and strength to realize how I should be treated but I want to make sure that I'm a person that treats others the way they deserved to be treated. Regardless of their behaviors and actions I want to be able to respond with kindness and understanding. I want to make sure that my emotional reactivity, my anger is something that I can control, that I find the steps I need to take and make people aware of those so that I can regain my posture and be able to come back with an open mind. It is something I know I need to practice to help me not be active participant nor an instigator. I don't want to be right anymore, I just want to be heard and understood and this is not only something that's limited to me that is why I need to learn how to make sure whether or not the argument is worth losing a person over or even whether a merits a response and might be easily solvable. I need to allow others to tell me what they need when they feel anger, what they do so that I am able to accommodate them as they should accommodate for me too. Other people want to be understood and feel validated and it is not fair for me to ask for it if I am not actively practicing it or making the effort to do the same for them. I should be opening the space for them and acknowledging where they are coming from and ensuring that I'm picking up the important pieces and make sure that I ask to make sure I do not misinterpret the meaning or even the emotion behind it. I love that I am trying to open my mind and that I am willing to practice the behaviors and actions so that I am role model to other people when I ask for the same respect be given to me. And realize when this is not given to me after I have practiced it that a conversations needs to be had at what is the best place to start at because everyone's pace of change is different and although patience is key there needs to be steps being made everyday and positively reinforced. I need to make sure that I am positively reinforcing behaviors that I like from the people around me. I love myself for starting this hard journey and taking initiative to hold myself accountable for the things I haven't been doing. I love myself for being able to have these productive conversations with myself about what I need, how I can help myself and what I want to do. I love that I can acknowledge my negative thoughts and not avoid them, I love that I am able to be mindful of my thoughts both positive and negative and letting go. I love that I am making an effort to bring myself back to the present moment. I love myself for being able to smile in pictures and feel a warmth inside of me that I hadn't felt very often anymore. I love myself for being myself and never being ashamed of who I am or even why I am the way I am.

Roads

I cannot focus on someone else's action and what they mean in my life or to my person
whoever this person is they are responsible for their own actions, their own behavior
You are in no place to analyze why someone did something or what this means to you because you can only focus on you
You've forgiven whoever it is and that's all that matters anything that happens after that with that person, it isn't your place, that's not where you head should gravitate because the best thing you could do is make sure that you start healing
This doesn't mean drinking, this doesn't mean mind altering drugs or risky behaviors
This means finding the healthy enjoyable things you used to do, the person you were before or your path, it's okay to stop momentarily but don't stay there, you need to keep on traveling otherwise you won't get to your destination
Stopping for a while longer than you intended to is okay to, your allowed to, you may be tired from the long trip, people also don't know where you have started from. Only you know what's happened to you in the beginning of the trip and it's up to you if you want to disclose to the passengers, you decide when is the right time or at what pace you want to tell them about it. They don't need to know about where you started at that point they were just people that helped you on your trip either by giving you directions, keeping you awake, or distracting you and pushing you to do more stops than you intended to, then there are the people who haven't gotten off once since the trip started and those who will continues onto your trip but may need to go to a separate direction and they were only meant to be part of the longer part of trip. All of this is okay. All these people mattered. All of these people were real. They helped you and realize what passengers work the best to encourage you to get to your destination some helped more directly, other did so indirectly, while others you had to kick out because you learned that you would not get to the trip because they weren't following your rules and were putting you at risk. It is okay to be tired from the long trip, it is okay to make stops and get distracted, it is okay to get lost, what matters is your ability to get back to that road or find a new road towards a better destination all that matters is that you never stop until you know that that is your destination but know that sometimes it will take more than a few trips to finally stay in one destinations and that's life. It matters that you approach the obstacles, the suprises with the best attitude possible, if you have to fake it do it, it will eventually come to the point where you aren't faking it. The attitude makes a world of difference because that defines how you see your trip, how you react to those aspects of the trips that normally would have made you stop and wanted to give up. Now you won't always be ready for the trip but you know that every trip before that has brought you somewhere great and don't doubt it for a second, each destination was part of your map and you have the power to change it up when you feel the need to, never ever forget that.

There's no fun in skipping to the ending

I know that by default negative thoughts are easier
I fight them alot, I've fought them for years
They are thoughts I hope to never act on, I don't know why they exist
I know that that's not me, those are things I would never do
I can't tell if it's because of this time I've had on my own, and my head is trying to avoid other bad thoughts
But this time, these scare me, these upset me because I would never
I don't know if it got to the point of them becoming my norm I wouldn't be able to do this, I am fighting those thoughts because I think I've been through a lot these past few years and right now I have to find more protective factors
More reasons to be happy, more reasons to be tied to humanity
More reasons to know that I'm in control of my sexuality that I can say no and practice consent, I really want to practice consent in my relationships
I want to be much more okay with letting go of my past, I'm heading there
I just need to find things that make me happy again
I need things to think about, I need to rediscover my empathy or redefine how my empathy is
I want my empathy not to be a source of concern or a source where people are enabled, I want my empathy to support people to be the best versions of themselves, I don't want to be a cute face that people appreciate, I want to be a person who people think of when they say they had believe in them and helped them go on their way. I don't have to be unforgettable, I just want something to be meaningful about me than something physical or a need i fulfill for another human.
Right now I'm going by at my pace, I'm following my steps, I'm doing this, I'm alive, I'm okay, I can do this, I have done this, I will continue every other day
I feel like I've lost myself multiple times, I think this is one of those times that I've lost myself for the longest, not purposely it just happened and I'm slowing bringing back my consciousness right now, and it's okay I'm doing my best, it takes effort strength and resilience to do this
I am a good person I know I am, I know that there is a definition somewhere that i relate with and that's what I am working at constantly, I am not attached to any one past version of myself but I am working to a version of myself that I could feel more confident about. Right now I am confident, heck I am capable, I believe in my ability to challenge myself. Look at where I'm at right now it's been 5 years. When people ask where you see yourself in 5 years this is not even remotely close to what I ever imagined and this is the best accomplishment for me. I found life in wanting death, to the point that I do not have a regret about my decisions because I see where I'm at right now and that's extensively farther than my mind would even think about at the moment. If only I could go back to that one day and tell myself that I will feel happiness again and learn how to live with my mental illness. I think that that's probably what woke me up the morning destiny said no, this isn't where your story ends wake up, your live will not end here. I survived. I am a survivor but I'm more than just that I'm a fighter, I am able to fix my mistakes, I acknowledge that not all my choices were the best but my ability to come back from those every time is the reason I am alive and walking right now and for that I am eternally grateful. Every day I'm piecing myself together, I'm a puzzle and I'm trying to find what pieces fit and which pieces aren't even part of my puzzle but seemed to fit at first. It's a process when you don't know what the whole picture is or you don't even know what that picture should look like so you really rely on which pieces are fitting as they appear some are still lost but you will find those pieces when you look for them or when you aren't even looking for them and they are suddenly in plain sight. Because that's how the world works somethings are made for you to find them at a certain point in time others are meant to be sought and sometimes you think that puzzle is complete and then you discover that you need an entire new set and you are part of someone else's puzzle. The world is crazy like that and you just got to laugh and smile and realize that this pieces of yourself are significant and don't ever doubt that the bigger picture is out there and you have to make it up until then and don't try to skip ahead because there's no fun to skip to the end of the book and look at the ending.

The unwelcomed

You know I used to feel defensive of my thoughts
I felt as if being depressed and suicidal was poetic, it was descriptive, it was part of me
I don't deny that it is something within me but it is not me, it isn't even the most important part of me, I wish I could have said that earlier
Depression doesn't give me a story, my actions driven by my thoughts while  influenced by my depression are what gave me a story, for a long time I felt the need to be validated, I needed someone to acknowledge that I was different because of my thoughts, I needed someone to acknowledge that my thoughts made sense
My thoughts were severely distorted from actual reality, nevermind the trauma
 I was young and my protective factors were basically nonexistent, my social relationships were far from enough, I seemed to see a very narrow path as if the walls were just becoming tighter and tighter until I couldn't even take a deep breath
I felt on edge constantly waiting for constant confirmation that what I was feeling were the appropriate response to every event within my life
I could only see each event as a negative addition for my sadness, for my hatred, for my apathy
I do know that each event wasn't the happiest, it was an event that was natural, it was not normal for those events to happen so constant but back before medications were a thing I am sure this was a more normal occurrence, did it hurt any less probably not
I just think there's a reason why each of us is still alive, our families all experienced loss at one point or another, yet they still managed to get us where we are today, I am no less capable than my ancestors, I can't blame it on myself, I can only do what's best best for my emotional mind and learn to notice when it's speaking to me and ensure that I don't stay too long but just enough to give it the acknowledgement. My emotional mind likes to write, likes to express so the best thing I could do for it is set it free, I think that when I write my rational mind checks in when my emotional mind is trying to be the one taking over or basically what you would call the modern bully. My depression is a bully, it is not my friend, it doesn't open my mind to reality, no the depression is not mine to begin with, is it within me yes but it is not a visitor I have invited. It is a unwelcomed inhabitant that I have to learn to question and talk back to, it is one I have to reason with constantly and breeds frustration. Nonetheless, it probably will be an inhabitant that I will live with, and that I will no longer let get the best of me. I am not my depression, someone is not their mental illness, does it have daily impacts in different areas of their lives yes but my work comes in realizing that I can minimize those impacts by listening to other parts of my mind that have things to say and make sure that they aren't too much louder but loud enough that I know that there are more sides of my mind that I have forgotten about. Depression is not defining, I am not to become my label but to set myself apart from it and prove that that label is not the definition of who I am. I used to think my depression is a blessing, it is not fair to idolize my depression, it opened up doors that didn't need to be opened. I shouldn't hate it but I shouldn't love it either. I let it almost take my life once and I only have one life and I need to make sure that I still have goals and still have reasons to live for and if it takes time to find those things, I need to make sure I have the time to do that.

I am my own

Who am I
It seems to be the looming questions these past few days
I don't know if I was any closer to me than I was before
It feels as though my priorities aren't as meaninful
But I think I mistake the thoughts as priorities because I let them invade and I let them roam free adding more details as they go until they seem more real and much more important than they actually are
I have trouble letting go of the good, I have trouble letting go of the bad
So how do I get to where I can let go of both?
I have to imagine something that will let me go of both these thoughts because both make me stay in the past or make me focus too much on the future, not at the present moment
I have trouble living in my present going day by day, I always daydream about what I want and now I only daydream of having someone as company
This doesn't get me any closer to a better me, I think about of how I've spent my life taking care of others and I can't do that in relationships anymore, I am too young to raise a child and I am too old to help one who wasn't raised by their mother the way they should have been
This is not my responsibility, I have to look out for myself and taking time for me is a priority right now, I am enough on my own, I don't need to beg someone to talk to me because I am valuable and if someone doesn't take their time of the day to cultivate my care or my affection then I am not going to stay there and wait until they can
I need to realize that I am amazing, I need to believe it when I say it, I need to realize that I need to find myself within every compliment in my own voice so that whenever someone says it, it doesn't mean as much because I've already said it to myself everyday and that is my goal, those are my goals
My relationship goals are making my relationship with my mind better, I want to combine my emotional mind and my rational mind so that I could be wiser and I know that I am very well capable
This is my way of finding both, I know that I am okay, that everything's going to be okay because I am here, I am alive, I have done so much to stay here, to survive, I can do a few more weeks, I can fucking do this, I don't need to be reminded that I can because I just fucking can and I shall not question it. I am capable of so much, I want to do some great things and I have to put in that effort everyday. That takes power, that takes strength, that takes courage. I am here for myself everyday. This is me taking time to make me better, to learn about me, to look out for me. I am doing good, I have been doing good. I know that I don't think about it enough but I have accomplished so much, I have challenged myself to do things I didn't know I was capable of. I am not that girl who lost alot, I am the girl who fucking crawled up the largest mountain in my life and will continue crawling if I have to, until my fingers are bloody and I can see my next mountain and know deep within me that these mountains they are worth climbing, it is my purpose, each mountain will test me but it is a mountain nonetheless. The weather, the distance, the distractions/obstructions might be different but everytime I earn another part of me, I am getting myself back. I am the true test of my own motivation.

How do i stay in the present?
I tend to dwell in the past a lot and I mean it when I say a lot
I think that I want things to stay one way or go back to a time that I felt okay at best or had a feeling that I don't have now
It's not that anything is missing, I just think that I tend to view things as better than they actually were even though the conscious and realistic part of me knows I am better now, it is sometimes difficult to push these intrusive thoughts, I think it is slowly working
I think that I miss some parts of the person I am when I was in those situations but I forget the reasons why I was that person and why I changed, possibly some of those changes involved changing some things that I really do need now such as how to be excited about something and learning how to listen to someone and what they are saying
I think that at the time I was doing things to help me, to evade my own problems so when I realized I needed to stop and change I decided to start at zero, on a new slate
I think that I want to find my way back to having some of those emotions because I like having feelings it reminds me of who I am, whether or not someone likes that or not, that is me, I am emotional, I do wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't know why I ever thought it was a good idea to start being protective to the point that I pushed people away and didn't realize that being silent never solved problems
I should be aware of people's intentions, but I should not make assumptions about whether or not someone actually has good intentions, I should be aware of whether or not their actions align with what they preach, and be willing to have a conversation of whether I misunderstood their words or whether I misunderstood that action, I think communication is important with my friends especially when I am busy and tend to stay within my own head because I never know if I am the only person who's checked in on them in a while
I miss being sweet, I miss believing better about people, and I think that I am doing a 180 or a 360 where I am refinding or relocating my being or rediscovering who I want to be and I love that so much because I know that I am making progress and I know that this is where I want to go and although other aspects of my life are uncertain, this is one of the things I have wanted for so long but I didn't give the thought the time of day so I was never able to actually act on it or do anything about it.
I think in the process of bettering myself, I lost parts of myself that were great, and those parts where the source of my confusion so I felt lost without realizing it, I just continued going because I had to function.
I live in a world where people think that the best way to deal with pain is to ignore it and hide it deep in the brain so you just don't think about it. To experience pain and let yourself experience pain was the worst thing you could ever do. This is far away from being the right thing to do, I am human, I am allowed to experience pain, sometimes it feels to much but I needed to work my way to find better ways of managing that pain. Forcing myself to forget wasn't the way and isn't the way, numbing that emotion isn't either because I did nothing to soothe it. I didn't give it the attention it needed, not that I should give it too much attention, I just needed to acknowledge its presence and acknowledge that it was a response to something that happened and it was okay for my body to create that emotion to help me get rid of it somehow. Hiding the emotion did not help it release, it just inflated a balloon that kept filling slowly every single time I did this. Now I need to acknowledge my feeling because I need to learn what it's coming from and find out how to change how I feel about something that I can't control or if it is something that I can control like my response than I need to find the best method of doing so. I don't have the best responses when it comes to anger and it is something I definitely need to work on. I don't have the best responses when I am upset either. I am very hard on myself for feeling these emotions or seeing them as a loss of control but in reality these emotions are my body's sign that something is going on within me or within that relationship that needs to change. I need to pay attention to that more because I need to understand my emotions before I expect other people to.

Cooking is what I do for fun

Whenever someone asked what I do for fun I always thought that all I do is watch shows all day but that's not what I actually do for fun

I don't think I've ever thought of the things I do as fun, I don't really notice when I feel excited, yet know that I think about it I feel the happiest when I think about making food 

It is so simple but if I had the finances for it I think that I would make all the foods that I've ever liked just for the sake of trying

This is one of the things that I'm kinda proud, now I know I am not the best cook but I know that if I practice enough, I can go to a grocery store and know what to make just by entering a grocery isle

I want to get to the point were I know what seasonings work best with what foods, where I can just wing a measurement because I know it enough 

I know this will take years but I know that I do it for fun and not to make the best food ever but for the sake of trying to make it and perhaps correcting the mistakes the second time around 

I am pretty sure that that's when I learn the most about myself because I could make a mistake and I can teach myself to not get frustrated with myself over it and not be hard of myself because it is only my first time and the only one I am responsible for pleasing is myself

I realize that that's definitely applicable to everything else because I can't expect myself to succeed every first time that's too much expectation for any person, I can encourage myself to think about what I need to change the second time around, and how many times that it takes after that

I cook for fun, I cook because it is distracting and I think that I need to do more of that, I think that it brings people together, I think that is a good foundation to spend time and bond with the people around me, it might not be impressive to someone else but I think that it's very impressive for me to realize that now I have something to say and I need not explain it because I know what it means to me

I think in another life, I would choose some type of culinary career because of how fun it is, I wish that I had realized this when I was younger, but I am happy that I have realized it now, I think I need to remember that even cleaning supplies have many trials and errors up in the hundreds and yet most of those didn't give up then, I shouldn't give up on a food or on what my dreams are because I am not getting the results I expected but because I genuinely enjoy it