I think so much about the future that I'm getting ahead of myself
I just hope the best for me, I have achieved a state of peer joy, happiness and I know that it'll feel short-lived soon enough, but when you get those feelings know that it wasn't, that for every bad thought or event that has happened to you, you have had good ones
Your brain works in strange ways, exchange those thoughts that convince you that things will always go back to a starting point, depressed, and that is not my default, that is not my center, my mental illness works its way into using this against you, making you think that you will always go back to that state
Know and realize that that was never your natural state, it never was, never will be, you are capable of feeling good feelings, you are capable of positivety, you are capable of happiness, you always have been, your head just wasn't taught to think that way
That for every moment you doubt yourself, you have to come back and believe in yourself like there is no other option, because that it what gives you roots to fight every thought that isn't one that is helping
All these thoughts in your head, not every single one is a definition of who you are, they aren't yours, your brain is trying to make that connection and make it stick, remember this is not a definition of anything you'll actually do, none of those thoughts are real
You need something to distract yourself in, you need freedom, these thoughts come because your brain is searching for something morbid to think about
Not every thought going in your head right now, is one you will act on

I am spending today thinking about my future
Something I do a little too much sometimes
I get to ahead of myself and I understand that I like to now what my next step is
But I am trying to get comfortable with not knowing
With welcoming any hand that I'm dealt with
Without having to stress about what precautions I need to take
I want to feel comfortable staying more in the present
I want to worry about me at the current moment
I am catching myself thinking about a person and I feel like I need to take an action so I get rid of the thoughts
It is one of the few times that there is a part of me trying to keep it on the low
I find myself day dreaming about this person and I know that it is not a surge of emotion or feelings, it's just easier to think about another person so I don't think about what I need to do
I read a post the other day that made me think and I always thought why am I able to do all my homework in highschool while battling suicidal ideation, yet now it is so hard for me to even set my mind to a presentation or to anything really
I used to be bound by time constraints, I was very stiff about my deadlines finishing assignments the day I got them, I used to operate under strict discipline so I find myself very confused with large deadlines where I find myself each day finding myself pushing everything later and later, I forgot what it was like to have choices, to not have my time alloted to school that it is strange that I have large amounts of free time and assignments that revolve around what my opinion is on things. I mean right now I've gotten almost everything done but I have to be prepared to operate under discipline because that is what I work best with but I need to work better about the things I do with my free time. I know that taking the time to watch tele is self-care but is something I don't find particularly useful, it only takes my attention but it does nothing about making me do anything.
I think the answer lies in that I am so close to the end and I have been pushing myself for years that my body wants me to take some time for me, it's been begging for it for a while
I think my body is craving for affection and it is strange to me and I'm trying to make sure that I'm giving myself the affection that I need to keep going every day and it is working it's crazy how little it is to rub my thumb on the side of my hand and how much of a difference it makes, it brings me back to reality, it reminds me that I am real, it brings me out of the thoughts
Sometimes it doesn't feel like it is enough but I know that it is, it's taking touch and making it personal and loving with no intentions behind it but to cheer myself and I think it is amazing, it takes back this thing that I thought someone else had to do for me, something that everyone I had a relationship with missed and I made it something that I can do for me, so I feel like this is a bigger realization that if I do the things that I've always expected from someone else, I no longer will feel that disappointment and I don't know there is a lot to figure out
Another important thing I need to work in is on how I think that things are personal, that things said are a personal attack to me or to my values and I think that I am not in the middle of the circle, sometimes things are said out of anger but they aren't supposed to attack me and even if they are, it is coming from someone feeling pain, feeling defensive, feeling vulnerable and it is important to check myself the way I am coming off to this person because everyone will always be a stranger, it will take years to peel off layers and it could be something from their past is coming into this behavior and it is important for me to recognize that there is that child in each of us who had all these experiences before I even met them that they are still trying to make sense of, they too are trying to find their place in the world and I could either be a blessing or a lesson and although I won't have control which I am, I want to make an effort to be a better person, a better listener meaning that I'm listening past the words I am hearing but what is driving them, people do not start out with the intention to be mean and I have to remember all of this constantly. I must always search for what the underlying cause might be, I need to understand that everything that happens around me is not because of me and I am never truly in the center of it, this person will always be at the center of themselves and this is what drives their behaviors and their values.

I'm afraid of what home will do to me
I'm scared that I will fall into old patterns and loose all motivation
I'm scared that my mood will deteriorate and I will reach my threshold and from that I know that it will be difficult to come back
I need to be wary and subtract myself from situations if that is what is best for me
I owe nothing to my mother therefore I should not give her the time of day, if i feel any negative feelings and i see them affecting me that is a clear sign that if I cannot evade her than I should have to leave
I need to take care of me this time around and it is not my responsibility to take care of anyone else anymore I have to take care of myself this time and ensure that I come it in one piece
If this involves moving miles away again then I will gladly take it
I don't have the same emotional connections therefore I can leave in a heartbeat and that's a great thing, I am not tied to something therefore it makes it easier for me to make choices that are good for me, it is not my responsibility to take care of my mother as she has not changed and I'm making a choice that is for my wellbeing regardless of how old she is, although I have forgiven her, the trauma she inflicted will never forgive her because through her lies some of my unhealthiest coping mechanisms and some of my most sad and painful memories

the reason i love dogs
i never thought about the reason
i just made the connection of being raised with dogs
but today i realized it goes past that
that is where my attachment lies
that is where i had my connection, to life, to empathy
had it not been for dogs i don't think i would have ever formed a connection to a living thing
yet now I can't imagine my life without dogs, i feel sad when a dog is not around because a dog loves you just for being human, it does not know what you've done nor does it care, it is this creature that is so full of love and his/her history is one that is equally as sad as yours, dogs carry histories as humans and have the ability to show the most empathy, therefore I think they were my role models for empathetic emotions, i had no human role model but i had enough dogs to show that life had some moments of happiness
I am grateful that of all the things that happened in my life, I had that connection because I could not see my life without it, and although it's hard for me to form the connections with humans, I know that I can form them based on the connections I have with animals