There is times that I remember how much anger i carry, i forgot to get rid of it and i carry it with me, like if i ever let it go it would be something that could never exist within me
But I do
There are many days where I still ask whether I can live all the years I want to live with all the regrets and guilt I carry for things that I have grown through
I question everyday whether I have learned any of it as I try to go back to sleep
It's worthless as my body has a way of keeping itself awake when I know I am exhausted
I go back into my mind to the people who I have let into my life and are no longer in it
I blame myself for being everything I needed to let out in the company of another
I did not know how many years it would take for me to cry and sometimes I think if there's one thing I do is I cry
I hate the parts of me that wanted to have everything in a person and not feel split up unknowing who is it that I would walk to in my last moment
I hate the parts of me that I loved and let go of so I would no longer be vulnerable again, I hate that there are many parts of me that care so much that I do not know what to do with them
I don't know if there is a balance between how much love I should be giving out as I feel that even the love I gave is not enough
I get scared that it will never be enough for anyone, not even my family
I think I blame myself so much for things because I think of them so much that It's impossible for me to think that that person can and probably has as much responsibility as I did
I made my choice and so did they, which is why I am here and they are there
I thought alot about what I've done and I hate that most of the time I don't know that I'm doing it if I'm the one saying that I did it
I have to learn to let go of the past and I think that that's due to me taking so long to notice how the things that I experienced impacted me
I'm constantly scared of staying in someone's life long enough into the future that I would have missed all the signs because I'm blinded by my love and admiration for them that by the time I realize they would have already brought more than I could ever forgive
I guess you can say I avoid attachment were I once craved it, I don't know how to form an attachment to another human being because it's caused years of harm that once almost took my life