How do I go back to me

You keep creating these imaginary scenarios as if it was real life
You convince yourself that these are true possibilities but you do nothing
You do nothing because you've already done everything and you're not in the position you started with
This is not what will bring you happiness or satisfaction, you need to find your motivation and your passion for this again, there isn't an aha moment that someone will create for you
I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore, my brightness is now dull and I can't find the energy to do anything about it
It's like I've given up but I haven't I just have this familiar feeling of numbness and I don't know if that's my body's response to pain
But I need to stop it, I didn't mean to turn my emotions off, I guess I didn't have to ask my body to do so this time, it did so out of habit, it thought it was best to protect me
I just sit here all alone and I feel comfort in my company but sadness at where my head goes when I let it free, it is no longer the tears and the pain of every life's loss but at the person I only ever loved but will never love again
And he is no longer someone that provokes guilt or regret, just someone that was
Just as I once was, so excited for life, so excited for future and now trying to recapture the essence it was to feel like a risk would not hurt a single thing on me
I was much younger then and I did not know how to cope, and I think the biggest regret of them all was doing the thing I new best, I listened
And those who knew me best, taught me that this was the way and there was no other, as life had led them to the same choice and they thought this was best
But now I see that this was a choice I didn't have to make and I didn't realize it til many years late
I am tired in a way that doesn't involve sadness but in a way that thinks that the only way to find my way to start anew again far from both families that I have ever had but I fear that wherever I go another family will form
I seek to be alone and unsupported as life will teach me its lessons because that's how I best have learned them, people's opinions cloud my own and I can't keep running away but instead standing my ground and speaking my truth and changing the way I want myself to be but not for someone else
Who I am and what I do, what my plan will be I need to keep to myself as the more I speak the less true it will be
And I thought that my life couldn't get as complicated as it was years ago, and boy was I wrong