I think I'm starting to develop an explanation for what I have been thinking
I don't think those thoughts have a meaning that I want to do those things because I would never harm anyone
My brain is just in the process of rewiring itself from my teenage brain to my adult brain or my high school brain to my college brain
I've just undergone one of my biggest and most drastic changes in the past three years and my brain is trying to find where connections that I didn't have before go
Most of my connections to family were nonexistent yet now they are much more present and represent something positive I think my brain wants to rewire at something different because it sees those ties as equivalents to other relationships when it is no
My relationships with my family is always going to be different I will never bring harm to them, I want to protect them and take care of them and make sure that I do not harm them, i think my brain is scared of harming them so it's making up a story of me harming them in ways that I've been exposed to
Now I don't know if the exposure was actually ever real but I think it might be just my exposure to it through media and somewhat a fascination with it
I think that from now on I need to work on what I think about when I am exposed to it, I need to attach a meaning to certain things and make sure to tell myself when something is wrong that it is wrong and sympathize or empathize more rather than trivialize it
I am not what every thought that comes in brain says i am
for it has fooled me once before into thinking that I am not a good person and for blaming me for failed relationships that I have now recognized was the job of two people, I am learning about the person I am as I go, with every experience, the fear or worry that i have is natural because my body doesn't understand stability, it doesn't understand the feeling of being well supported or acknowledging that i have not done so great in other areas that i thought i was doing great at and that's the part of growing up, there will always be in area to work with, always some part of you that you need to build up or change up and that's okay, just like cars need fixes or tweaks every few years when parts run their course , sometimes you need specialized people to figure out what's wrong but in the case of cars someone would fix it for you but these things in life you have to fix it for yourself no one could do a better job of it than yourself, it is your position, your specialized and highly trained in that position and although others may receive that training only you have the knowledge to fix each part of yourself, because you know the little secrets, the little details that others might never truly comprehend or grasp and although it might seem like some may it is still not their position to do any work unless you've done the biggest jobs and they are only their to support you in your job not to do it for you