I don't exactly know where it came from today
It just appeared out of no where and I guess that's why I need to write j
I think that it helps me figure out what's going on
What need do I have to address
I believe today's need is sleep and a little bit of leftover emotion from yesterday's surprise it's like the secondhand significance or experience of death
I think that I should not feel guilty or upset when I have missed an important event in someone's life because I too am human and I have issues in my daily life that I need to focus on sometimes, I am allowed this time for myself as I have a history of not doing so in the past, this is part of looking out for me and it is okay for me to not be analyzing everyone's behavior to ask what is wrong, it is not always my place to notice these things and ask questions, sometimes I need to take a step back and let people use their words and come to me when they need me, I can't keep trying to anticipates someone's needs because I have so much things to work on so it is okay, I am a normal person trying to make sense of things and of who I am, I don't need to apologize for this, this is not a thing that one should feel guilty for, this is an example of a boundary that I have set
I think that I have been privileged for the past year to not have any big loss because it has given me time to reflect and really realize how these losses have affected me in life
I think I am much stronger now than I have been many years ago and well it's a thing I won't ever be entirely sure how to handle because there's times where people who have things planned out and then the inevitable happens
I think it affects me more that it happens at random, there's no way for me to prepare and I think I need to find a process or some kind of strategy that helps me cope with loss
I've lost some of the most special people in my life and I miss them dearly and they have had impacts in who I am
They have had influences on me, they have shown acceptance of who I am and I think that that is the most valuable thing that anyone has done for me
These people saw me as human and as family and that was enough for them, I did not have to have goals, I did not need to tell them anything but I existed and that was more than enough
I wish that in my future I can be that person for the next generation, at least one person and I think I have done that and that's something that is meaningful to me
I want to keep doing better and building on myself to be a better person everyday and being able to acknowledge someone past all these labels, past all these events in their life, sometimes people are just people and they deserve the same treatment as anyone else and you have to fight either what you already know or have control over whether you really want to know
because one thing is your need to know somethings to figure out what to do, and how to help and another area is being able to separate the two and still show that you value this person right in front of you
sometimes you don't need to know everything and sometimes it is better that way because sometimes your mind wants to make connections and whether you want to or not you brain might be making a negative or positive connection unbeknownst to you and that might reflect on your interactions, on your choice of words and many things that are vital to communicating with this person
I am very guilty about making assumptions about people depending on what they say and how they word things as this is not unique to me while other people depend on body language and other ways and I think it's important to know where your opinions are coming from and how you got to a point with someone because at the root of that you can go back and say I'm sorry let's start over and ask more questions for reassurance to know where this person is coming from, this is an area that needs alot of work and development but helps a lot in work with people because everyone's experiences are unique to them so they more than likely will see the world through another perspective and that is amazing, they are not wrong for experiencing the world differently but some of these are intersecting lines while others seem to never have crossed over and those will test you and that's also the fun part because it will open your eyes to see that the possibilities are endless so that could have been your experience or even thinking hey maybe had my life gone in that direction I probably would be there too
Not ever saying that no that would never be you because you don't know, there is no such thing as never or no such thing as always in things like this
People who have a parallel worldview to you are still capable to make connections with your worldview, I think we forget that alot and don't pay enough attention to what this is coming from and instead we are contributing to a more hostile environment