How do i stay in the present?
I tend to dwell in the past a lot and I mean it when I say a lot
I think that I want things to stay one way or go back to a time that I felt okay at best or had a feeling that I don't have now
It's not that anything is missing, I just think that I tend to view things as better than they actually were even though the conscious and realistic part of me knows I am better now, it is sometimes difficult to push these intrusive thoughts, I think it is slowly working
I think that I miss some parts of the person I am when I was in those situations but I forget the reasons why I was that person and why I changed, possibly some of those changes involved changing some things that I really do need now such as how to be excited about something and learning how to listen to someone and what they are saying
I think that at the time I was doing things to help me, to evade my own problems so when I realized I needed to stop and change I decided to start at zero, on a new slate
I think that I want to find my way back to having some of those emotions because I like having feelings it reminds me of who I am, whether or not someone likes that or not, that is me, I am emotional, I do wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't know why I ever thought it was a good idea to start being protective to the point that I pushed people away and didn't realize that being silent never solved problems
I should be aware of people's intentions, but I should not make assumptions about whether or not someone actually has good intentions, I should be aware of whether or not their actions align with what they preach, and be willing to have a conversation of whether I misunderstood their words or whether I misunderstood that action, I think communication is important with my friends especially when I am busy and tend to stay within my own head because I never know if I am the only person who's checked in on them in a while
I miss being sweet, I miss believing better about people, and I think that I am doing a 180 or a 360 where I am refinding or relocating my being or rediscovering who I want to be and I love that so much because I know that I am making progress and I know that this is where I want to go and although other aspects of my life are uncertain, this is one of the things I have wanted for so long but I didn't give the thought the time of day so I was never able to actually act on it or do anything about it.
I think in the process of bettering myself, I lost parts of myself that were great, and those parts where the source of my confusion so I felt lost without realizing it, I just continued going because I had to function.
I live in a world where people think that the best way to deal with pain is to ignore it and hide it deep in the brain so you just don't think about it. To experience pain and let yourself experience pain was the worst thing you could ever do. This is far away from being the right thing to do, I am human, I am allowed to experience pain, sometimes it feels to much but I needed to work my way to find better ways of managing that pain. Forcing myself to forget wasn't the way and isn't the way, numbing that emotion isn't either because I did nothing to soothe it. I didn't give it the attention it needed, not that I should give it too much attention, I just needed to acknowledge its presence and acknowledge that it was a response to something that happened and it was okay for my body to create that emotion to help me get rid of it somehow. Hiding the emotion did not help it release, it just inflated a balloon that kept filling slowly every single time I did this. Now I need to acknowledge my feeling because I need to learn what it's coming from and find out how to change how I feel about something that I can't control or if it is something that I can control like my response than I need to find the best method of doing so. I don't have the best responses when it comes to anger and it is something I definitely need to work on. I don't have the best responses when I am upset either. I am very hard on myself for feeling these emotions or seeing them as a loss of control but in reality these emotions are my body's sign that something is going on within me or within that relationship that needs to change. I need to pay attention to that more because I need to understand my emotions before I expect other people to.