The unwelcomed

You know I used to feel defensive of my thoughts
I felt as if being depressed and suicidal was poetic, it was descriptive, it was part of me
I don't deny that it is something within me but it is not me, it isn't even the most important part of me, I wish I could have said that earlier
Depression doesn't give me a story, my actions driven by my thoughts while  influenced by my depression are what gave me a story, for a long time I felt the need to be validated, I needed someone to acknowledge that I was different because of my thoughts, I needed someone to acknowledge that my thoughts made sense
My thoughts were severely distorted from actual reality, nevermind the trauma
 I was young and my protective factors were basically nonexistent, my social relationships were far from enough, I seemed to see a very narrow path as if the walls were just becoming tighter and tighter until I couldn't even take a deep breath
I felt on edge constantly waiting for constant confirmation that what I was feeling were the appropriate response to every event within my life
I could only see each event as a negative addition for my sadness, for my hatred, for my apathy
I do know that each event wasn't the happiest, it was an event that was natural, it was not normal for those events to happen so constant but back before medications were a thing I am sure this was a more normal occurrence, did it hurt any less probably not
I just think there's a reason why each of us is still alive, our families all experienced loss at one point or another, yet they still managed to get us where we are today, I am no less capable than my ancestors, I can't blame it on myself, I can only do what's best best for my emotional mind and learn to notice when it's speaking to me and ensure that I don't stay too long but just enough to give it the acknowledgement. My emotional mind likes to write, likes to express so the best thing I could do for it is set it free, I think that when I write my rational mind checks in when my emotional mind is trying to be the one taking over or basically what you would call the modern bully. My depression is a bully, it is not my friend, it doesn't open my mind to reality, no the depression is not mine to begin with, is it within me yes but it is not a visitor I have invited. It is a unwelcomed inhabitant that I have to learn to question and talk back to, it is one I have to reason with constantly and breeds frustration. Nonetheless, it probably will be an inhabitant that I will live with, and that I will no longer let get the best of me. I am not my depression, someone is not their mental illness, does it have daily impacts in different areas of their lives yes but my work comes in realizing that I can minimize those impacts by listening to other parts of my mind that have things to say and make sure that they aren't too much louder but loud enough that I know that there are more sides of my mind that I have forgotten about. Depression is not defining, I am not to become my label but to set myself apart from it and prove that that label is not the definition of who I am. I used to think my depression is a blessing, it is not fair to idolize my depression, it opened up doors that didn't need to be opened. I shouldn't hate it but I shouldn't love it either. I let it almost take my life once and I only have one life and I need to make sure that I still have goals and still have reasons to live for and if it takes time to find those things, I need to make sure I have the time to do that.