I know that by default negative thoughts are easier
I fight them alot, I've fought them for years
They are thoughts I hope to never act on, I don't know why they exist
I know that that's not me, those are things I would never do
I can't tell if it's because of this time I've had on my own, and my head is trying to avoid other bad thoughts
But this time, these scare me, these upset me because I would never
I don't know if it got to the point of them becoming my norm I wouldn't be able to do this, I am fighting those thoughts because I think I've been through a lot these past few years and right now I have to find more protective factors
More reasons to be happy, more reasons to be tied to humanity
More reasons to know that I'm in control of my sexuality that I can say no and practice consent, I really want to practice consent in my relationships
I want to be much more okay with letting go of my past, I'm heading there
I just need to find things that make me happy again
I need things to think about, I need to rediscover my empathy or redefine how my empathy is
I want my empathy not to be a source of concern or a source where people are enabled, I want my empathy to support people to be the best versions of themselves, I don't want to be a cute face that people appreciate, I want to be a person who people think of when they say they had believe in them and helped them go on their way. I don't have to be unforgettable, I just want something to be meaningful about me than something physical or a need i fulfill for another human.
Right now I'm going by at my pace, I'm following my steps, I'm doing this, I'm alive, I'm okay, I can do this, I have done this, I will continue every other day
I feel like I've lost myself multiple times, I think this is one of those times that I've lost myself for the longest, not purposely it just happened and I'm slowing bringing back my consciousness right now, and it's okay I'm doing my best, it takes effort strength and resilience to do this
I am a good person I know I am, I know that there is a definition somewhere that i relate with and that's what I am working at constantly, I am not attached to any one past version of myself but I am working to a version of myself that I could feel more confident about. Right now I am confident, heck I am capable, I believe in my ability to challenge myself. Look at where I'm at right now it's been 5 years. When people ask where you see yourself in 5 years this is not even remotely close to what I ever imagined and this is the best accomplishment for me. I found life in wanting death, to the point that I do not have a regret about my decisions because I see where I'm at right now and that's extensively farther than my mind would even think about at the moment. If only I could go back to that one day and tell myself that I will feel happiness again and learn how to live with my mental illness. I think that that's probably what woke me up the morning destiny said no, this isn't where your story ends wake up, your live will not end here. I survived. I am a survivor but I'm more than just that I'm a fighter, I am able to fix my mistakes, I acknowledge that not all my choices were the best but my ability to come back from those every time is the reason I am alive and walking right now and for that I am eternally grateful. Every day I'm piecing myself together, I'm a puzzle and I'm trying to find what pieces fit and which pieces aren't even part of my puzzle but seemed to fit at first. It's a process when you don't know what the whole picture is or you don't even know what that picture should look like so you really rely on which pieces are fitting as they appear some are still lost but you will find those pieces when you look for them or when you aren't even looking for them and they are suddenly in plain sight. Because that's how the world works somethings are made for you to find them at a certain point in time others are meant to be sought and sometimes you think that puzzle is complete and then you discover that you need an entire new set and you are part of someone else's puzzle. The world is crazy like that and you just got to laugh and smile and realize that this pieces of yourself are significant and don't ever doubt that the bigger picture is out there and you have to make it up until then and don't try to skip ahead because there's no fun to skip to the end of the book and look at the ending.
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