I am spending today thinking about my future
Something I do a little too much sometimes
I get to ahead of myself and I understand that I like to now what my next step is
But I am trying to get comfortable with not knowing
With welcoming any hand that I'm dealt with
Without having to stress about what precautions I need to take
I want to feel comfortable staying more in the present
I want to worry about me at the current moment
I am catching myself thinking about a person and I feel like I need to take an action so I get rid of the thoughts
It is one of the few times that there is a part of me trying to keep it on the low
I find myself day dreaming about this person and I know that it is not a surge of emotion or feelings, it's just easier to think about another person so I don't think about what I need to do
I read a post the other day that made me think and I always thought why am I able to do all my homework in highschool while battling suicidal ideation, yet now it is so hard for me to even set my mind to a presentation or to anything really
I used to be bound by time constraints, I was very stiff about my deadlines finishing assignments the day I got them, I used to operate under strict discipline so I find myself very confused with large deadlines where I find myself each day finding myself pushing everything later and later, I forgot what it was like to have choices, to not have my time alloted to school that it is strange that I have large amounts of free time and assignments that revolve around what my opinion is on things. I mean right now I've gotten almost everything done but I have to be prepared to operate under discipline because that is what I work best with but I need to work better about the things I do with my free time. I know that taking the time to watch tele is self-care but is something I don't find particularly useful, it only takes my attention but it does nothing about making me do anything.
I think the answer lies in that I am so close to the end and I have been pushing myself for years that my body wants me to take some time for me, it's been begging for it for a while
I think my body is craving for affection and it is strange to me and I'm trying to make sure that I'm giving myself the affection that I need to keep going every day and it is working it's crazy how little it is to rub my thumb on the side of my hand and how much of a difference it makes, it brings me back to reality, it reminds me that I am real, it brings me out of the thoughts
Sometimes it doesn't feel like it is enough but I know that it is, it's taking touch and making it personal and loving with no intentions behind it but to cheer myself and I think it is amazing, it takes back this thing that I thought someone else had to do for me, something that everyone I had a relationship with missed and I made it something that I can do for me, so I feel like this is a bigger realization that if I do the things that I've always expected from someone else, I no longer will feel that disappointment and I don't know there is a lot to figure out
Another important thing I need to work in is on how I think that things are personal, that things said are a personal attack to me or to my values and I think that I am not in the middle of the circle, sometimes things are said out of anger but they aren't supposed to attack me and even if they are, it is coming from someone feeling pain, feeling defensive, feeling vulnerable and it is important to check myself the way I am coming off to this person because everyone will always be a stranger, it will take years to peel off layers and it could be something from their past is coming into this behavior and it is important for me to recognize that there is that child in each of us who had all these experiences before I even met them that they are still trying to make sense of, they too are trying to find their place in the world and I could either be a blessing or a lesson and although I won't have control which I am, I want to make an effort to be a better person, a better listener meaning that I'm listening past the words I am hearing but what is driving them, people do not start out with the intention to be mean and I have to remember all of this constantly. I must always search for what the underlying cause might be, I need to understand that everything that happens around me is not because of me and I am never truly in the center of it, this person will always be at the center of themselves and this is what drives their behaviors and their values.